I've never been alone in 20 years of living. Spiritually, of course. But in all of my life, I have never lived completely by myself. Which I believe has affected how I interact socially in ways that are great and also detrimental. In my life now as a young man, I make it a concerted effort to make time for the Lord, and time for myself. Sometimes, I get lost in what that can really mean. I know I can call something that I'm doing as "self-care" but it's really not. Too much of one thing creates an imbalance. I spoke on the act of balancing a few weeks ago. But this type of balance for me is this: what is going to benefit me in the long run vs. what will make me happy? Which brings me back to my main point. Regardless of what balance that is, I feel as though we have moments where we have to catch ourselves in action almost, and check in. Being mindful and aware to the self conversation, and not letting the outside environment or circumstance affect that. It's easier said than done.
I have two friends. One is male, one is female. Both college students. Both work part-time jobs. Both try to have somewhat of a social life (more so the female). But one thing that strikes them similar is their...I guess I'll say their personal solace & their reclusive tendencies in social situations. In essence, these are two individuals that are aware of their limits of interaction with others. More aware than me. I feel like I become the energy in the room when I'm in it. People often tell me they notice the difference, especially if it's either a room I've been in before, or I'm in the room with someone I'm comfortable with. I just go off vibes. Good vibes. On the contrary, I sometimes notice these energies shift whether it be within myself or what I feel around me. So sometimes my social awareness & IQ can be awful in picking up on certain cues in the room. I feel like I read a room better once I can sit and watch what else is going on and if I can match that energy. I believe I took these behaviors from my two friends and watching how they act and speak in certain environments. Listening is very important to me in that aspect as well. Not only to a social situation, but for a friend who may actually need that personal time and it's up to me to discern what they feel and how they act.
I feel I have the capability of living alone; doing things alone. But...I just don't enjoy it. I think that's both the anxiety and the certainty of it. How do I know how I'll act if I lived alone? Would I be better off? Would I change? I suppose the only way to know is to find out. Growth will always be uncomfortable. I'm learning that every day, and every day of this year has shown me that I am growing. Growing apart, growing closer, growing wiser. Just trending in the right direction. Even my knowledge of the stock market and different ways to make passive income is improving since I found out about is as a late teenager. I sit and think about how productive my 20s will be because I played my teenage years the right way, or the best hand I was dealt. I just feel deeply in my heart, that the success that I know I am going to achieve has to be achieved with others. With family, with loyal friends, with children. I don't think I can be successful alone. I don't think there's many people that have been. There are always times where you feel like there is no one. You're talking to a guy who once thought no one was there for him. But when you look around and see who has shown you day in and day out what loyalty and dedication is, you're going to want to get up and hustle. You're going to want to be resilient. You're going to pick them up when they're down. You're going to inspire them, because they inspire you. And when you're inspired, you get sh t done. We all knows what happens when sh t starts getting done. Those types of catalysts will not happen without people, let alone the right people.
I would like to touch on this though, as I am noticing this daily with myself and my own personal friendships and relationships. If there are any kids in high school reading this please be very attentive to what you read, and HS graduates can attest: Once you leave, you have your own life. Really before you leave but before you leave, you're bot an adult yet. You life is no longer intertwined with someone else's because you have the same 3rd block or you play on the same team or you sit at the same lunch table. That's over. That being said, you have to respect what people have going on in their lives. I am learning this daily. I have to be mindful that everyone has a different set of priorities for their day, the schedule that they adhere to during that day, and the very minute intricacies that can happen over the span of that day that can affect timing as well. I say that to say this: time does not bend to your will. YOU bend to IT. But, will you bend or break? See, most people think that if something doesn't happen when they want it to, it never will. I'm here to tell you that I serve a God that has a Rolex, an Audemars, a Richard Millie, and everything else. Doesn't even use them, because His timing is divine. Trust where you are. Right now I'm not alone. Maybe I will be. Maybe I wasn't meant to be. Maybe I am meant to be in the future. I saw this IG Reel and it was Ray Lewis talking to one of the O-linemen. He said this:
"The only moment we got is today! Right now! Yesterday? It's gone. Tomorrow? Too soon. What about right now?! What about right now?!"
Even with a moment like today which is a present (get it), we have to take those moments for ourselves, know that we have to give those moments for others, and be mindful of the conversations we have with ourselves to set proper boundaries and keep that personal solace at all times. Love and peace and hair grease...
- II
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------